W i s p

by Marty Ulrich from the September 2019 Wisp

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       What is it about love that is so fleeting and unpredictable? There is a method to its madness and you can understand it. But I am not going to sugar-coat this for you. Basically, the reason love is this way is because you are this way. It is you, me, and all of us who are fleeting and unpredictable. Let's break it down so you can really digest this notion.
       Laugh and the whole world laughs with you; cry and you cry alone. When you are in love, you cannot help but glow and that glow makes you more attractive and confident; the effects are immediate and lingering. While you are in a relationship, this glow remains because when there is good chemistry, emotional reactions ensue.
       Even as the relationship progresses through its various stages, this glow remains well after

the fire may have left the hearts of the two lovers; heck, even bad chemistry still produces some

interesting results! If the relationship ends or otherwise is failing, the chemistry is no longer there

and like little ions, they're looking for their next charge; but the further out into space you get, the

less likely it is found.
       The glow remains but begins to fade after a relationship ends, and one day you find yourself feeling depressed, unattractive, and not sure of yourself. This is the infamous rebound; a time of vulnerability when people that we are not normally into seem more attractive to us because of the sudden loss of this glow of love. It is a very lonely feeling and we do often cry.

        All too often the rebound cycle becomes a downward spiral. We don't see it conspicuously because those in happy relationships are rather loud and are always at the forefront of any event, so that is what we see, yet there are more people who are utterly alone than most people realize.
        Statistically speaking, you are more likely to have a series of failed relationships and probably suffer the effects of a crippling divorce before finding a loving and meaningful relationship that lasts. Many just give up after a long succession of progressively worse relationships, and one eventually dismisses the whole idea as a fairy tale, and succumbs to a life of loneliness.

       Without love, we simply die. Love provides the necessary charge to keep on spinning. However, it is less common that people are not alone and yet people live! This is because love is independent of relationships and anyone can experience and feel love at any time, although it may come in unrecognized forms.
       Not everyone in a relationship is actually into that person and with them on an intimate level. The relationship is just a front. Many monogamous relationships are without love and the love is long gone, only to be sparked again when one of them has an affair or crush. Many people have abandoned this way of life in favor of polyamorism. What that means basically is that there are multiple partners and they are aware and consent o these types of open relationships. it is where people go when they realize their needs cannot be met by a single individual, but rather a community of people, and that does not mean just sex.
       That begs the question: What makes a relationship, anyway? Can you be with someone without any sexual contact? Doesn't really seem natural, but it is not all about sex with people who are polyamorists. Turns out, libido dies out long before the need for intimacy does, so by the time you realize that there isn't "the one" for you, intimacy is still just as important to have in your life and begins to take center stage over romance.
        For some, their needs for love are satisfied by many intimate partners, some sexual, some not. Then there is society ... most people would not admit outside of a polyamorous community that they are polyamorous because, traditionally, we are mostly raised to be in life-long, monogamous relationships, and anything that deviates from this ideology is perceived by society as infidelity. These communities tend to be underground and typically found in larger population centers, so that leaves a lot of people feeling lonely and empty, even if they are with someone.
        Physical contact does matter! There is something about physical touch and romance that has a physical charging effect on our bodies and subsequently our mind and spirit. Free-flowing human touch is something that cannot be replaced entirely; even a legitimate professional massage or -- dare I say it, prostitution -- is not the same as a romantic encounter with a loving partner. Yet it is good for that such things exist because it is still better than no physical contact.

        So many of us are alone due to the stigma attached to relationships; it is truly staggering! This is why more polyamorous communities are forming; people are experiencing freedom for the first time from what would otherwise be coerced by cultural enforcement into a monogamous relationship.
        This cultural shift is a reaction to what has been in our own hearts, yet it does not address the

root issue. Even though some people cannot seem to find a meaningful and lasting monogamous

relationship, the idea of sharing their partner with someone else is a huge turn-off. These are the

ones caught in between  their own uninhibited emotions and societal pressures, which have

shaped their behavior since adolescence.
        Polyamorism is certainly not for everyone, so just what does one do when caught in this

paradox? If you are one of these people, you need a reboot. A lifetime of failed relationships are a

direct result of the ideologies regarding these relationships, which were formed in the mind at a very young age. it is all in your head.

         The first step is to admit this to yourself and be honest; second is to embrace your loneliness. Before you can have a meaningful relationship with anyone else, you must confront yourself first and come to terms with every flaw and failure in your life and learn to love yourself regardless.

          The magic that happens is that after you forgive and love yourself entirely, you will no longer feel the depression associated with loneliness. This does not mean you will cease to feel alone; it simply means that your emotions regarding it will change and you will recontextualize it.

          Truth is absolute, but how we perceive it and feel about it is dynamic.l Become your own twin flame first; smile at yourself. When you reach this point, your glow will get bright! This glow is independent of interactions with other people and is more persistent.

          Slowly, you begin to feel more attractive and confident once again. This time, though, you will then attract a different type of person than you did when you were co-dependent; someone that is a better match for you -- a real love.

          Marty Ulrich (Mau) writes from Cedaredge, Colorado, where he finds time to write an occasional

article while earning a living as a landscaper, bicycle repairman, greenhouse worker, musician and

all-around cowboy.